Dateline: Wednesday July 7, 1999 during 1st quarter at Winnipeg Stadium
Ritchie: " Boy, we really look like a real football team out there."
Assistant: " We sure do Boss."
Milt Stegall to Grant Carter: " This is fun."
Dateline: 2nd quarter
Ritchie: " Something's not right. I can't quite put my finger on it?"
Assistant: " Something seems wrong Boss."
Stegall to Carter: " I wish Jeff could see us now."
Dateline: 3rd quarter
Ritchie: "I don't like it."
Assistant: " Don't like it Boss."
Carter to Stegall: " I miss Jeff you know."
Dateline: 4th quarter
Ritchie: " This sucks ... we stink!"
Assistant: "We suck Boss."
Stegall to Carter: " Let's hold hands like we did with Jeff!"
With 5 minutes left in the game ... Stegall and Carter rally the team and they all hold hands and sing 'Kum - Bai - Ya" like the old days.
Dateline: Post Game
Ritchie: " That stinker Lancaster ran up the score! He'll get his down the line!"
Assistant: " He'll get his Boss!"
Stegall to Carter: " I'm happy."
The long day for the Bombers ends with Kerwin Bell chasing down all the press he could find. Something was urgent!
Bell: " Any of you guys know what MY stats were?!"
Dateline: Saturday July 10 @ 10am at the Bombers Practice facility
Ritchie: " We played terrible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for such a lousy game."
Assistant: " Lousy game Boss."
Stegall: " We tried, but when we won the first quarter we started to relive the Jay Walker era and
then started to miss Jeff."
Ritchie: " JEFF!! You thought of THAT loser during a game?!"
Carter: " But Boss! He'd hold our hands and say that we were winners for just showing up at the
Stadium. He was fun to play for cause we only tried when WE felt like it."
Ritchie: " Well I'm NOT Jeff. You guys will play 60 minutes for me!"
Assistant: " 60 minutes Boss!"
Carter: " How much of a game is 60 minutes?"
Ritchie: " That's it! I'm going to rid this team of any Jeff influence! Now go out you goofs and
run 10 miles!"
Assistant: " 10 miles Boss!"
Ritchie: " NOW YOU PUNKS!!!" (Nostrils flaring)
Assistant: " They're punks Boss."
The players all run out and start to run their 10 miles in full pads.
Dateline: Sunday July 11th
Ritchie: " This will be very tough, but I think I can rid this team of the influence of Jeff."
Assistant: " Rid the team Boss."
Stegall: " I'm tired coach ... I need a hug."
Ritchie: " 25 miles and 3 hours of wind sprints!"
Stegall and the team run off with all of them mumbling under their breath ... " I wanted a hug."
Ritchie: " This is harder than I thought ... call me a football EXORCIST!"
Assistant: " Right ... an Exorcist Boss."
Ritchie: " Now we'll show them."
Dateline: Monday July 12 @ 9am
Rabbi: " OK ... where's the patient?"
Ritchie: " He's outside ... what the heck is that?"
Rabbi: " You can't perform a BRIS without one of these!"
Ritchie: " A BRIS! I wanted an EXOR - cism!"
Assistant: " That's right Boss."
Rabbi: " Whoops ... lucky you stop me. I call one for you."
Ritchie: " Whew ... that was close. You can stay and watch Rabbi."
Dateline: Monday July 12 @ 10am
Exorcist: " You needed me?"
Ritchie: " Yes ... we almost had a Rabbi do a Bris!"
Exorcist: " Easy mistake. We both are in close to the same business. We Exorcists look for the
head of the serpent and cut off the top. Who is the top here?
Ritchie: " Top?"
Exorcist: " The player that is infecting everyone else."
Ritchie: " Gotta be Grant Carter. We'll get him."
Assistant: " We'll get him Boss."
They go and bring Grant Carter back with them.
Ritchie: " How did you play last game against the Cats?"
Carter: " I was a lazy, dirty player. I tried to kick Amerson in the jewels and got a big penalty. I
am an undisciplined moron ... but Jeff liked me."
Ritchie: " Good .. that was great first step for you to realize what a waste you really are."
Carter: " Thanks Boss."
Ritchie: " One last thing ... what about JEFF!?"
Just then Carter falls to the ground and thrashes about ... screaming in a demonic voice at the top of his lungs ...
Carter: " I LOVE JEFF!!!"
Exorcist: " Hold him you two!"
Assistant: " Holding him ... ummm "
With the two coaches holding him ... Carter's head starts to spin around and around over and over again. The Exorcist knows what he must do ... so he opens ' The Book.'
Ritchie: " God man! You think he's ready?"
Exorcist: " Now or never!"
As the book is opened ... the Exorcist slowly turns the pages. As he turns ... Carter seems to be calming down. His head stops spinning and his voice returns to normal.
Carter: " Hello coach ... what IS that book."
Ritchie: " It's called a 'Play book' and teams use it to run plays."
Carter: " Wow ... I never saw one since I can remember."
Exorcist: " The de-programming is done. The Cult of R is out of his mind."
Carter: " Anyone else notice the sky is blue in colour?"
Ritchie to Carter: " What do you think of JEFF!!??"
Carter: " That moron? Who cares?"
Exorcist: " He's cured. Pay me now."
Ritchie: " Go talk to Bishop about it."
Assistant: " Ya ... Bishop Boss."
Exorcist: " Oye ... get me some blood from a stone instead."
Carter gets up with a normal man's smile and heads out to the field to start the practice. Standing in the door is the Rabbi who quietly watched the whole thing.
Carter: " You a Barber or something?"
Rabbi: " You could say that in a way."
Carter: " Can you take a little off the top?"
Rabbi: " Sure son .. right this way."
The Rabbi and Carter walk off to the training room as the Rabbi opens his bag ...
Ritchie: " We have a team now!"
Assistant: " A team Boss."
Dateline: Tuesday July 13 @ 10am
Ritchie: " OK troops ... we're all set to practice hard for the next two days so we can kick some
Stegall: " Where's Carter ... is he CUT??"
Ritchie: " No ... he's taking the next two days off but he'll play on Thursday. Let's just say he has
a groin injury."
Assistant: " He he ... groin Boss."
Ritchie: " Let's move it so we don't lose it!"
The Bombers were now a team.
Dateline: Thursday July 15 1st quarter vs the Argonauts
Ritchie: " Man ... they look greater than last week's 1st quarter. We are there man!"
Assistant: " Greater Boss."
Dateline: 2nd quarter
Ritchie: " My God. A 25 point lead and no turnovers and no penalties. Carter is playing great
Assistant: " Great Boss ... but Stegall seems off."
Ritchie: " It's OK ... they said that his huge ego slows him down mentally."
Assistant: " OK ... sounds good."
Dateline: Beginning 3rd quarter
Suddenly and out of nowhere ... Ritchie is bombarded by tiny footballs from the large crowd on hand.
Ritchie: " What the hay?"
Assistant: " Whoops ..."
Ritchie: " Well???"
Assistant: " Um ... things move slow around here in the Peg. The 2nd half of tonight's game is ' Throw
around a football with Jeff night' and we forgot to cancel."
Ritchie: " I don't get it?"
Assistant: " Well ... Jeff would always spent time playing catch with the fans during the games since
he didn't know what was going on anyways. This was a promotion with his spare time
that we knew he'd have."
Ritchie: " Super ... but why is the crowd cheering?"
Assistant: " Look" (Pointing behind the bench)
Back behind the bench ... Milt Stegall is playing catch with the fans. He is encouraging all the other players to join in ... the fans love it.
Ritchie: " I don't get it?"
On the field ..the Argos are mounting a huge comeback They have already scored 35 points in the 3rd quarter and the Bomber players and fans don't seem to mind."
Ritchie: " WHAT IS GOING ON!!"
Then the Exorcist shows up ...
Exorcist: " Carter was not the head of the serpent. I think he was the other end."
Ritchie: "So all is lost?"
Exorcist: " Sorry ... you're done."
Dateline: Post game
Press: " Wow coach ... losing to the Argos by 46 after a 25 point lead must be hard."
Ritchie: " That stinker Barker ran up the score! He'll get his down the line!"
Press: " Hey Carter ... you were awesome the in the 1st half but then you took 6 bad penalties."
Carter: " You bet. But I didn't try to kick any jewels. I learned something this week that jewels
are precious stones. I bit 6 guys instead!"
Press: " Hey Stegall ... you caught one pass for 8 yards."
Stegall: " I'm happy ... I'm just happy dude."
Press: " Time to go boys ... let's wrap it up."
Just then ... Kerwin Bell arrives on the scene. He started running 15 minutes ago to cover the 200 yards to the press area.
Bell: " HEY!! Anyone know what MY stats were tonight!!??"
And off in the distance ... a solitary figure walks away from the hoopla. It's Milt Stegall as he walks to his car.
Just faintly you can hear him softly singing ...
Kum - Bai - Ya ......... Kum - Bai - Ya