We Lose to Stamps No More!

Used with Permission (c) Brad Lawryk

B: Bubba S: Skeeter V: Vlad

* All characters are fictional. Any likeness to anyone alive or dead is purely coincidental. Bubba and Skeeter have been translated in their conversations between themselves and others. Many people can't speak Saskatchewaneeze.

WE LOSE TO STAMPS NO MORE

Dateline: Friday September 18th, 1998

B: " God dang those dang Horsey's...they beat the Greenies again."

S: " Oooh...I hate those guys."

Dateline: Saturday September 19th, 1998

B: " The Vaunted Ones won again."

S: " What else is new?"

Dateline: Sunday September 20th, 1998

S: " I'm still mad at those Red Demons."

B: " Ya...they always beat the Greenies and I'm tired of it."

S: " At least we beat them last year in the playoffs."

B: " Big deal...everyone beats the Horsey's in the playoffs!"

S: " You're right ... I can count their Grey Cup wins with every finger on my left hand."

B: " As far as Grey Cups...they ain't no Vaunted Ones."

S: " Arrogant bunch though ... act like they actually do win."

B: " Well ... maybe it's time we get'em."

Dateline: Monday September 21st, 1998

V: " What you scum doing here ... go get Pop Bottles you peons!"

S: " We are depressed Vlad. The Greenies lost again."

B: " Ya ... to those dang Red Demon Horsey's."

V: " What!! What you doing about it?!"

B&S: " Whinning about it."

V: " You sorry little goofballs ... this isn't Edmonton! We don't whine ... we get even."

B&S: " Really?"

V: " I need think about this ... come back three days. Now ... go out get bottles you useless fools."

Dateline: Wednesday September 23rd, 1998

B: " What do you think Vlad will come up with?"

S: " No idea? I do know he knows how to get even. Remember when third-cousin Bubba down in

the Old USA cheated him on that Pop Bottle run ... Vlad said he'd get the guy."

B: " He sure did too ... now everyone is after ole Bubba down there to quit his fancy job."

S: " Ya ... who'd a thunk it that NOT smokin' cigars would be illegal?"

B: " Go figure ... But not to worry. Ole Bubba down there is pretty slick. "

S: " That he is Bubb's."

Dateline: Thursday September 24th, 1998

V: " You scum get bottles?"

S: " Yup ... there's plenty around without the Greenies doing that telethon thing."

V: " Good ... come here to table and I tell. Then we go tomorrow and do."

The boys go over to the table and watch as Vlad sets the plan in motion. The boys are in awe.

B: " This will work great."

V: " Shut you up ... go sleep ... then morning we go."

Dateline: Friday September 25th, 1998

Driving along in their team bus ... the Calgary Stampeder football team was basking in yet another successful season. Winning has made this crew one of the most relaxed teams in the CFL.

Then ... just ahead ... the driver spots a old pickup truck blocking the road. He stops the bus and three weird looking figures approach the bus.

Driver: " Who are you and what do you want?"

V: " Shut up you peon ... we now go where I go."

Driver: " Hey! Stop pulling me out of the chair .....!"

Vlad grabs the driver and easily flings him out of the chair and to the side of the road. All of this..of course ... is not un-noticed by the Stamps players. A big player jumps up.

S: " Whoa ... easy big dude. Who are you?"

Player: " The names Childress and what you punks doing to the driver?"

B: " Easy big dude ... we are taking over the bus because it's ours now."

Childress: " Ha ... that's a laugh ... we'll break you in half."

S: " Don't think so ... we are from the N.F.L.!"

Just then Jeff Garcia jumps up ...

Garcia: " The NFL?? Wow ... HI."

B: " Hello Mr. Jeff. We is part of the Alliance with the CFL and we have the permit to seize ... I mean

borrow this bus before practice."

Garcia: " Cool. Easy Mr. Childress ... they are friends."

Then from the back ... Alan Pitts gives a yell ...

Pitts: " Hey ... let's get moving ... I'm tired man."

Just then Vlad jumps up ... his eyes afire.

V: " Peh! We no take bus anymore. We take you." (He said pointing to Pitts, Garcia and Childress)

S: " Vlad??"

V: " You listen and get into truck ... the rest of the team can go."

Garcia: " No problem ... the NFL is our friend ... come on guys..it's OK."

So then ... Pitts, Childress and Garcia hop into the truck and the boys drive off.

Pitts: " Pretty beat up truck for the NFL?"

B: " We is from the south ... down in Arkansas."

Pitts: " Oh ... then this would be a limo down there."

Everyone yucks it up. The boys and their companions keep driving along for 3 1/2 hours when they pull up in front of a big barn like building."

Childress: " Hey ... what's up ... it says Packers on the building?"

Garcia: " Relax big man ... I'll bet it a secret facility for Green Bay."

Childress: " Cool."

V: " Everyone out and in the building."

They all enter the building ... and there are pigs everywhere.

Pitts: " Hey man ... what's with all the pigs?"

B: " Training camp ... secret one."

Pitts: " You sure this is the NFL?"

S: " Yes ... lots of pigs in NFL."

Pitts: " Got me there."

Vlad then addressed the three players...

V: " You are here for NFL training from Alliance with CFL. We each take one of you and you will listen."

Garcia: "Just one question?"

V: " Peh! OK ... you scum."

Garcia: " I know why the NFL would be interested in me ... but why these two other guys?"

S: " Childress because he's a big fat dude."

Childress: " Grrrr."

S: " And Pitts because of his border thing."

Garcia: " Border thing?"

S: " Yes ... he did get caught at the border with steroids one time and we at the NFL just found out. If we

knew earlier ... he'd have been with us years ago."

Garcia: "OK...but I'm the star ... right?"

B: " Oh yes ... and we will treat you as such."

Garcia: (Turning to the others) "Maybe you'll appreciate me more now."

V: " Enough talk ... move."

They all go off in different directions. Garcia with Skeeter, Pitts with Bubba and Childress with Vlad. Bubba takes Pitts over to this long section of fence about 100 feet wide and another stretch the same length just 3 feet beside it running parallel to it. Looks just like a dog run.

B: " Pitts ... go stand on the big white X on the ground."

Pitts goes over and then turns to see a huge pig standing just 10 feet behind him. He looks the other way and sees a run of about 90 feet.

Pitts: "Hey? What the heck is this?"

B: " It's a speed test ... when the pig starts ... you run to check speed."

Pitts: " No sweat ... how fast can a pig run anyways?"

Bubba goes in behind the pig and yells to Pitts ...

B: "Ready?"

Pitts: " Ha ... Ready."

Just then ... Bubba pulled out a Prod (An electrical shock device used to move livestock that doesn't want to move) Bubba then shoves the prod into the rear end of the pig. A really high squeal ... and the Pig is off. Pitts sees this and takes off....after 20 feet he looks back and sees this enraged pig gaining on him.

Pitts: " Holy Cow! Help!!!"

Just then the pig slams into Pitts from behind and sends Pitts flying through the air ... and he falls right into a huge pile of manure.

B: " Poo ... you no fast enough ... back to the truck."

Bubba walks over and helps the dirty Pitts to the back of the truck.

Childress has gone off with Vlad.

V: " Time to weigh you ... you scum."

Childress: " Where?"

V: " Over there you putz."

Vlad points over to a small cage about 5 feet by 2 feet.

V: " You get into that ... then I weigh."

Childress: " You dope? No way am I getting in there."

Vlad goes over and gives him a shove towards the cage.

Childress: " Hey shorty ... I'm not moving for you so stop it."

Just then ... Vlad pulls out his own prod and zaps it into Childress as he stands there.

Childress: " YEEOWW!!"

V: " Move in there you putz."

Childress: (In tears) "You crazy man!"

ZAP!! Vlad zaps the big man again.

Childress: " OK ... OK! I'll go."

Vlad calls the unoccupied Bubba over to man the scales ... and then he proceeds to push Childress into the cage and weighs him.

V: " OK ... fat man. You are now weighed ... so go back to truck."

Childress: (Fully sobbing now) " Yess Mommy."

Over to Skeeter ...

Skeeter had taken Jeff Garcia over to a large pen filled with about 30 pigs.

Garcia: " Why we here?"

S: " You questioning me dude?"

Garcia: " Nope ... I know the NFL is so smart ... I'll do whatever."

S: " OK ... Do this ..."

Skeeter leads Jeff into the pen and up against a wall. He then pulls out of his pocket a bottle and sprays Jeff all over with it.

Garcia: " What the hay?"

S: " That's Maple Syrup dude ... it's a primer."

Garcia: " But those pigs are starting to look at me funny."

S: " Don't worry ... it's OK."

Garcia: " Ummm ... what is this test?"

S: " The NFL Standard Pass Rush Test."

Garcia: " OK."

Skeeter walks over to where the pigs were and pulls out a head of lettuce.

S: " When I hike you the lettuce ... avoid the rush."

Garcia: " WHAT??"

Just then Skeeter hiked the lettuce back to Jeff. Jeff looks up and sees 30 pigs charging at him full bore. He looks around to find an escape ... but there is none.

BAM!

The Pigs slam into Jeff and grab the lettuce and then the start to rip apart his clothes as they go after the Maple Syrup that was all over him.

Garcia: " Bye GOD ! HHEELLPP!!!"

Skeeter has seen enough ... so he calls Vlad and Bubba over and they pull the half naked Jeff out of there and throw him back into the truck next to Childress (Who's still whimpering) and Pitts (Who still stinks).

V: " We take them back to hotel ... we do our thing."

The boys drive into Regina and drop the players off at the Hotel.

Dateline: Saturday September 26th, 1998

The Stampeders Day before the game meetings ...

Buono: " Hey ... Garcia ... Pitts ... Childress ... Pay attention!"

The Players: " We are boss ... no problem sir."

Buono: " That's the respect I expect."

Dateline: Sunday September 27th, 1998

Game day in Regina .....

The boys and Vlad are watching the game between the Greenies and the Horsey's from the stands.

B: " Boy ... that Garcia is stinking out the place and that Pitts and Childress are stinking too."

S: " Wow ... looks like we helped ... we are winning big at the half."

V: " Shows these arrogant punks that we can get them punks."

B&S: " You tell'em Vlad."

V: " Shut up you peons."

B&S: " Yes Vlad."

It's now the third quarter and the Riders are winning by a large margin. Garcia, Childress and Pitts had been benched for poor play. And Stamps fans back home can't understand how this could be happening. As the players are sitting on the end of the bench...they are approached by a small man in a business suit.

Garcia: " What you want sir?"

Man in Suit: " Hi ... I'm Reginald Bloom ... and I'm with the NFL. I was wondering if you guys would like to

come out and work out for ...."

Just then ... Garcia ... Childress and Pitts get up and bolt from the bench and run right out of the Stadium screaming in fear!

S: " Boy ... that guy scared them ... eh?"

B: " Ya ... what a bunch of weenies."

V: " Shut up ... we watch Greenies win."

B&S: " Yes Vlad ... we watch the Greenies win."

And WIN is just what the Riders did that day ....

* Special Thanks to Dan The Rider Fan *